


Collection of Poems - Allebara

by liriouimh



Category: Poetry - Fandom
Genre: Anger, Break Up, Emotional, Falling In Love, Hurt, Insults, Nostalgia, Post-Break Up, Romance, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-17 20:16:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 3,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29722668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liriouimh/pseuds/liriouimh
Summary: A Collection of Poems written about a past relationship.Sorry if there is any spelling mistakes.





	1. Stage 1 - sweet

Stage 1: sweet

It was fun  
And happy  
And alive.

Soft touches,  
Loving looks,  
Flirty whispers,  
Secret kisses.

It was easy  
And enjoyable.

Nothing could bring us down.

We were in our own little world  
Where nothing mattered   
But each other.

10 out of 10  
12 out of 10  
26 out of 10  
35 out of 10  
3 out of 10  
18?  
We like numbers, huh

Then  
I was anxious all the time,  
Afraid we would get caught,  
For having fun.

Constantly feeling my heartbeat  
In my throat.

We were sick of hiding  
But exposing ourselves wasn't an option.

I cried for the first time in months  
And then acted as if nothing had happened.

Went back to my life before  
Just now with a better knowledge of you  
And a closer bond with you.

And now...


	2. Stage 2 - want

Stage 2: want

I still love you.

Your here  
But not.

I think about you  
Too often it's unhealthy.

I'll never  
Forget you.

I feel,  
Safe,  
In your arms.

It hurts.  
I'm weak.  
I can't do anything.

I want us,  
Even though  
'us'  
Doesn't exist anymore.

Let me help.

I miss you.

Where'd you go?

Please

I'm scared.

I don't want to lose you again.

I don't want to hurt again.

I don't want anyone to hurt again.

Please,  
Come back.

I need you.

I still love you.


	3. Stage 3 - hurt

Stage 3: hurt

We're falling out  
And I'm just standing back  
And watching it All happen.

It's barely bearable.

I'd jump off a cliff  
Just to land in your arms,  
But I'm afraid of the fall.

Everything hurts.  
Again.

Trust. No. One.

It's the same  
But different.

We're going backwards.  
And it's all emotions fault.

You would hug me till I stopped shaking,  
Now you take no notice

I miss you everyday.  
Even though I see you everyday.

We don't talk anymore.  
We forget hello and goodbye.  
We don't sit close enough to touch anymore.

You're always just out of reach.

I said I wouldn't cry.  
I didn't and now I feel emotionless,  
Emotionless and emotional all at the same time.

What is wrong with us?

I want to scream.

You seem happier without me.

I should just let you go.  
It seems like you have  
Yet you still try and act like nothing happened  
Just with an added space between us.

You still say you love me.  
Hug me but can't get away quick enough.  
Call me pet names to make up for the ever growing room between us  
The empty pet names with no meaning or love behind them.  
The word 'friend' doesn't even scratch at my heart anymore.

But at least I still got you in my head, right?

We're just getting further and further apart.

What's left behind is now nostalgia,  
Memories relived too often.

After a year,  
And Sydney  
Messing with our emotions,  
I think I'm done.

October can't come quick enough.


	4. Stage 4 - done

I like to call this one 'FUCK YOU'

(aka. Stage 4: done)

October is non-existent now.  
I'm gonna become a bitch just to bitch about you.  
Fuck you.  
You said wait 6 months. See what happens.  
I waited.  
I stayed to see what would happen.  
Not even 1 month in and you've ditched me.  
You feel conflicted? Confused?  
Fuck, me too!?  
Oh the trouble of 2 at once and I can't relate?  
I don't know anything.   
I must be dumb.  
According to you I always am.  
Cause friends just say those things to each other.  
Joke about our relationship being fucked up.  
No shit Sherlock.  
Fuck you Watson.  
I can't relate, yet I was in the exact same position, just a year earlier.  
But worse.  
Fuck you.  
Worried I'd cry myself to sleep?  
Do you even know me at all?  
Got me a present on our anniversary,  
What? To make up for the fucked relationship or to show you still cared?  
I appreciate it.  
Promised we wouldn't tell a soul.  
Now 'its been months' so everyone can know.  
2 months.  
Out of the 6 months of 'just see what happens'.  
I feel sick.  
Fuck you.  
I made a promise to another that we would tell everything to each other.  
I broke that for you.  
You broke it for fucking 'tea'.

If I get hurt it's your fault.  
I told myself that I wouldn't.  
Not over you at least.  
I still gotta have some respect for myself, right?

Fuck you.  
I fucking wish I could be over you but fucking feelings don't agree.  
So much for not wanting to use me.  
I feel fucking great.  
I thought we were in this together?  
Arguing all the time.  
Bringing up stuff that is not related but just trying to use it as a hit back.  
And you say I'm the dumb one?  
Fuck you.

We've officially gone our separate ways.  
I wish you well.  
Don't fuck anyone up like you did to me.  
I wouldn't wish that on anyone.  
But fuck you.


	5. im angry.

im angry.   
Angry that I don't get to be myself because people will judge me.  
Angry that my friends won't accept my other friends and that everyone tells me that they're toxic.   
I know.   
I'm angry that I fell for that.   
Fell for the toxic but I'm past it.   
I'm angry at toxic because they don't know what they're doing.   
No one can see that. But I can.   
I'm angry that people only see toxic and not see trying.   
I'm angry because if I so much as hint that I'm something, then it's over for others.   
I'll get questions I don't or can't answer.  
I'll be 'accepted' but what does that even mean?   
'accepted' but the odd remark of what I used to be.   
I'm angry that I'll get the remarks that I can't help. I can't help but be me.   
Toxic and me are happy the way we are.  
I'm angry that people can't see that.  
People that are ignorant and don't want to understand because what they already know is everything and nothing will so much as change that.  
I'm angry at the birds squeaking their way around and the bugs that try and get in my house.   
I'm angry at the people who say stuff but actually don't care inside.   
No one will care. But I care.   
I'm angry because I care.   
And I can't do it because I care.   
I don't care that others dont care, but I can't stop.   
I'm angry that I can't stop.  
I'm angry at the bugs and that I'm a bug. Why can't I just be normal.   
Why can't people just stop judging toxic and bug because they don't know what they're doing?  
No one knows what they're doing but we got judged.  
I'll get judged for this but I don't care. Who cares.  
I'm angry at people who are angry at the bugs.   
They are none of your business but the bugs are my friends and I'll help them.  
I'm angry that the subtle hints will set someone off and I'll be gone.   
Through the grapevine of tea, and they'll know. Eventually.   
But I'm safe for now.   
I'm angry that it's out of my control. It's me. Why can't I be in control?   
I'm angry for the people who've had it worse but in the end they get rewarded for standing up.   
I won't. I'm too scared.  
I'm angry that I'm scared and can't help myself because I'm afraid of change.   
I want to change but I also don't.  
Toxic is terrified of change, that they lose people.  
I'm angry that I don't want to lose people.   
That I get attached then get angry that I got attached.   
I can't do that. I'm not allowed.   
I'm angry now that one ear phone doesn't work and there's a hole in the wall.   
I'm angry.   
Why am i angry.


	6. force isn't going to work

force isn't going to work

"Everyone would be better off"  
Yeah, everyone except for me.  
I'll be accepted but only to a certain extent.

Why are you so violent when you say it?  
It's like you're forcing me.  
In more ways than one.

If I was a real boy this wouldn't be happening.  
You wouldn't act like you care.  
You say you're accepting but it's ok for you to use that tone.

You don't know what I know.  
I think I would know my situation better than you and your mum.  
You like to talk about me behind my back.

Yunno it's kinda starting to piss me off.  
I wonder how THEY feel with you.  
If THEY feel the same.

You're supposed to support me.  
Support me fully and not just to an extent.  
This is one of the reasons.

Your opinion doesn't matter in this because you're not involved.  
Stop trying to involve yourself in things that don't need or want you.  
I don't need you.

What your doing isn't helping.  
At all.   
You don't know what's best for me so how will you know exactly how I feel.

I know what I'm doing.  
I'm keeping myself safe and happy rather than to be oppressed in my own house.  
No, I'm not going to explain.

I'd rather be happy inside  
Then sad and facing ignorance everyday outside.  
At least I only face it rarely now as it is.

You knew me a year ago.  
A lot happens in one year.  
I'm not the same person.

I decided over a year ago what I would do.  
And you're not going to change that.  
No matter how hard you try.

Just fuck off can you?  
Get out of my fucking business.  
Your not fucking welcome.


	7. Æ.

Æ.  
I didn't know a person could make me   
feel so much.  
So many contradicting emotions.  
Love and anger.  
Annoyance and confusion.  
Nostalgia.  
Wanting and regret.  
Mistakes.  
The unknown.  
It always ends up being about you.  
You have to sprinkle yourself into everything.  
Is it because your still there?  
Am I still there?  
Why are you fighting?  
My tears don't work anymore.  
It's wet dryness and cold.  
I don't want to be here anymore.  
I don't want to be with you anymore.  
I've made my decision but I've never known if it was the right one.  
I don't know why it's been so long.  
Does that mean something?  
Am I not over you?  
Is it just a soft spot for the first?  
Do you have a soft spot for the first?  
I don't like emotions.  
Why does it have to be like this?


	8. Somewhat Happy

Somewhat Happy

I'm actually happy  
For the first time in weeks.  
And then you come along  
And ruin it.

It's been 6 months I think  
Since the last time I can remember  
Not having any confusion  
Or any true sadness.

I mean I'm still greatly confused  
And I'm still kinda sad sometimes  
But I'm happier and not on the verge of tears everyday now.

I had been looking forward to this for so long.  
I had a week of peacefulness  
And now it's just awkward.  
You don't hug me properly.

Your nice to me  
But I'm an asshole.  
Why?

I'm sorry.  
My shitty excuse is that everything about you annoys me and I don't know why.  
Why can't you just shut up for once?  
No one cares.  
I mean you're not the only one.

I'm sorry.  
I'm literally a shit friend but I can't stop.  
You're so nice to me for no reason and I don't get it.  
Why can't you just drop me?  
We'd both be happier.

Maybe I'm being a dick so you'll push me away instead of me having to push you away.  
That's logical, right?  
I'm too scared, too much of a fucking pussy to do it myself.

But I'm happy now.  
Even with you kinda in my life.  
And even though I kinda still don't like you for no reason, I'm happy.  
I'm confused as fuck, but I'm happy.

It's funny how I always talk about you,  
But I never talk to you.  
You always seem to appear  
But you're never there or anywhere.

It may have been the drugs,  
But I think I'm happy  
And that's ok.

I don't wanna crash after this.  
Imma gonna go up real fast,  
Then it'll slowly go down and eventually fizzle out till I have to get more.

It's probably not a good thing that I rely on them  
But it's keeping me going for now till I figure it out.  
I'll figure it out.


	9. My Old Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by Enter Without So Much As Knocking by Bruce Dawe

My Old Friend  
Who the world must revolve around,  
Who seeks attention, love and lust.  
Loved music like it was a life-line,  
Spent wasted time and breath  
Criticising mine.

Ban tan  
And miscellaneous freckles.  
A pointed witchy nose  
That could never sniff out her own bad scent.  
Irritating laugh,  
Loud and obnoxious  
Letting everyone know  
That she’s happier now  
Than when she broke her door.

I didn't ask about her life story,  
Though I've heard it  
About 27/5 times.  
DON'T HIT ME, have a lollipop, i love you so much, i don't know if i like you anymore, we could live in a cute apartment with plants on the balcony and a black cat named Frankie, GET AWAY FROM ME, we’re drifting apart, i don't think we should be friends anymore, i didn't mean it, you hurt me, you’re hurting me, this isn't healthy, why aren't you talking to me?, YOU INCONSIDERATE, LYING, TOXIC, HYPOCRITICAL PIECE OF SHIT.

Lying in bed  
Enjoying each other company,  
In our own little world,  
Where nothing can hurt us.

Spreading like a rumor can,  
Taking two years before  
The subject finds out.  
Why.  
What was the point?  
REGRET.

Watching yourself in third person,  
Unable to control what you do,  
What you say.  
Too many hours wasted,  
Thinking,  
Overthinking.  
Why me?  
Why did you do it?  
Are you using me?  
Manipulating me?  
Intellectually incompatible,  
Enough to fight silent fights.  
Avoid eye contact at best,  
Speed walk to be longer than a social distance length away.  
Awkward smiles than insults thrown right afterwards.  
Laughing about death than sex,  
Loud enough for you to get the hint.

Goodbye old friend.


	10. What if i said i never liked you?

What if i said i never liked you?  
What if i said i hated you  
And the things you did to me?  
What if i said i never want to talk to you again?  
See your face ever again?  
Fuck you and your words.  
I know i'm not the best either but we could have tried.  
I might still be struck if it weren't for you.  
I might have been freed way earlier  
If it weren't for you.  
Sweet mixed with sour never works out well.  
What if i said i never loved you?  
What if i said i regret fucking you?  
How would you cry?


	11. Maketh t m're poetic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation halfway through.

Maketh t m're poetic.   
thee already kneweth i hadst trusteth issues,  
so what wenteth on in thy headeth to breaketh mine own trusteth ov'r and ov'r again?  
oft ov'rthinking is a valorous thing because t leadeth me to realise the sooth and eventually leaveth thee behind.   
i've hath moved on.   
i wenteth through 2 years of thy bullshit and wanting aft'r thee only to realise yond thou art a dickhead.   
the toxic in thee hast been repeating ov'r and ov'r again, thee'd bethink t'd finally hitteth thee.   
thy subtle manipulation madeth me misprise things about myself, things yond madeth me joyous but thy still going on with thy life pretending to beest the victim.   
i'm going to beest dramatic because i've been through thy hell so alas thee.   
thee seeth not how thou art unintentionally trigg'ring people. Basic ingraft senseth shouldst showeth yond trigg'r warnings existeth f'r a reasoneth.   
i knoweth thee wanteth to beest young and reckless but thy just being immature.   
attention seeking to feeleth validated? thee asketh f'r holp sinc'rely then w'rk t out yourself with supp'rtive people 'round thee instead of dropping thy problems on people without asking first.   
arrogant and obnoxious isn't going to maketh thee seemeth liketh a bett'r p'rson.   
i defend'd thee and thee betray me and mine own trusteth. Thee des'rve t.   
trying to controleth oth'rs so those gents fiteth into thy ideal is not how t w'rks. Thy just gonna has't m're ex cater-cousins who is't endeth up liketh me. I'm s'rry buttocks'rflies.   
thee stuffeth up and learneth not from thy mistakes. Doing the same thing ov'r and ov'r shouldst eventually maketh thee realise t's thee and not coincidentally ev'ryone 'round thee.   
thee believeth the w'rld revolves 'round thee and shall destroyeth aught in thy path to maketh yourself joyous. Not a valorous coping mechanism i wilt sayeth.   
"good comeback"  
what is yond did suppose to cullionly?  
yond youre acknown yond i liketh not thee and tryeth to maketh lighteth of a situation with sarcasm? i'm being unnecessarily cullionly?  
if 't be true we're going down yond route then:  
i did waste a maj'rity of two years following aft'r thee because i wast still hook'd up in thy games. Thee hath broken mine own heart at least 3 times and i did stay silent because i still did want thee. I did hate thee and thee gaveth me many problems yond i can't f'rget to this day. Thee madeth me n'rmalise things yond shouldn't beest n'rmalis'd. I'm having to findeth mine own owneth senseth of identity lat'r in life than most because thee did hold me backeth. Thee hath tried to manipulateth me into things i didn't and wanteth not to doth. And thee wond'r wherefore i bid not thee aught.   
i'm fustian of myself f'r not telling thee ev'rything because a year ago, t wouldst all beest out. Thee knoweth not how much w'rse t wouldst've been f'r me. Thee bethink youre helping but youre making t so much w'rse. Thee hath tried to receiveth inbetween mine own friendships and sep'rate me from mine own only family.   
coequal anon, two years lat'r i'm still somewhat hook'd up on thee because of all the the horror thee've done to me.   
alas thee.   
in conclusion, i'm not s'rry and i liketh not thee

\-----

Make it more poetic.  
You already knew I had trust issues,  
So what went on in your head to break my trust over and over again?  
Sometimes overthinking is a good thing because it lead me to realise the truth and eventually leave you behind.  
I've moved on.  
I went through 2 years of your bullshit and wanting after you only to realise that you are a dickhead.  
The toxic in you has been repeating over and over again, you'd think it'd finally hit you.  
Your subtle manipulation made me hate things about myself, things that made me happy but your still going on with your life pretending to be the victim.  
I'm going to be dramatic because I've been through your hell so fuck you.  
You don't see how you're unintentionally triggering people. Basic common sense should show that trigger warnings exist for a reason.  
I know you want to be young and reckless but your just being immature.  
Attention seeking to feel validated? You ask for help sincerely then work it out yourself with supportive people around you instead of dropping your problems on people without asking first.  
Arrogant and obnoxious isn't going to make you seem like a better person.  
I defended you and you betray me and my trust. You deserve it.  
Trying to control others so they fit into your ideal is not how it works. Your just gonna have more ex friends who end up like me. I'm sorry butterflies.  
You stuff up and don't learn from your mistakes. Doing the same thing over and over should eventually make you realise it's you and not coincidentally everyone around you.  
You believe the world revolves around you and will destroy anything in your path to make yourself happy. Not a good coping mechanism I must say.  
"Good comeback"  
What is that supposed to mean?  
That you're aware that I don't like you and try to make light of a situation with sarcasm? I'm being unnecessarily mean?  
If we're going down that route then:  
I wasted a majority of two years following after you because I was still hooked up in your Games. You broke my heart at least 3 times and I stayed silent because I still wanted you. I hated you and you gave me many problems that I can't forget to this day. You made me normalise things that shouldn't be normalised. I'm having to find my own sense of identity later in life than most because you held me back. You tried to manipulate me into things I didn't and don't want to do. And you wonder why I don't tell you anything.  
I'm proud of myself for not telling you everything because a year ago, it would all be out. You don't know how much worse it would've been for me. You think you're helping but you're making it so much worse. You tried to get in-between my friendships and separate me from my only family.   
Even now, two years later I'm still somewhat hooked up on you because of all the shit you've done to me.   
Fuck you.  
In conclusion, I'm not sorry and I don't like you.


	12. Firsts Bedroom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Short Story, not a poem.

On a classic Saturday night, at the tail ends of winter, in a warm and soft and slightly awkward room, i remember hearing heart attack inducing romantic 2014 teenage girl pop and my mind feeling full of sheep’s wool. Lying still, my back to the bed and my heart attempting to run away from anxiety. Apparently footsteps walk down the hallway and the desk chair flings to the other side of the room. I sit up confused, the music paused and I hold my breath. I smile innocently at the doorway, as if nothing has been happening in the past too many hours.

I lie back down and stare at the ceiling. Eyes trailing to the shelving unit on the wall in front of me. Kids’ stuffed animals and books and childhood memories fill the shelves. The different things in someone’s room can tell a lot about them as a person. I look at closed doors under the bottom row of shelves. Secrets and boxes of hurtful nostalgia hide behind those doors. They're none of my business but I can't help but flinch at someone opening up to me about their struggles. The weight of the bed dips beside me and the song is unpaused and I'm back to staring at the ceiling.

Curse and regret from later in life that I know I'll forget and wish to return to like it's a comfort. Apparently the taste of sponge cake but actually a disgusting, dry sandwich eaten earlier is all I can taste. I pretend I'm happy, that I'm just a little too loving and definitely too sympathetic. That I've accidentally made myself emotionally attached and if i leave the room then hurt will be the only outcome and emotion for as long as I remember.

Sometimes I want to go back to that 13 year old’s bedroom, to see what the years have done to it. Hate and just so, so much regret. How do you heal? How do you forget but also want to stop craving everything from the room like it was a second home? Because it is familiar and I just accidentally centered myself around it? Memories deeply ingrained and most definitely never will be forgotten. Maybe repressed but never forgotten.


End file.
